From the category archives:

Short-shorts

Five More Reasons Nana Likes Your Sister Best

August 31, 2010

Your sister has never, ever pointed out that the liver spots on the right side of Nana’s face resemble the Big Dipper. When Nana asks for a pint of gin and a pack of Newports, your sister doesn’t tell mom; she goes and gets the goddamned booze and cigarettes. You read Tuesdays With Morrie to [...]

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Talking Suge Knight, 2Pac Shakur, and Snoop Dogg Through Their Photo Shoot (1996)

August 14, 2010

No, Snoop. For the twentieth time, you cannot be in front. Because Tupac is wearing a Moschino belt buckle and a leather–what would you call that? A bustier?–and we need to get the full effect of that. Plus he’s wearing a beeper. And that suggests connectivity. No, you cannot wear the beeper and bustier. Because [...]

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The Class of 2011

August 12, 2010

Okay, so everybody’s here? Good. We want to get off to a strong start this year, so in my role as senior class president, I’m going to just ask that we, like, throw out some suggestions for our class motto. And no, nothing that involves seven. Or heaven. Sorry, Kevin. I don’t think using your [...]

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The Real Story of my Sole Experience With Three-Card Monte

July 22, 2010

I always tell people that I won at three-card monte. I tell them that the guy showed me the queen (of diamonds, I think) and two aces (clubs and spades), then shuffled the cards around on a cardboard box top (which is true), and then asked me to point to the queen (which I did). [...]

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Phyllis Renews Her Rhetorical Interrogations

July 20, 2010

You don’t think I see you at night, skulking around my windows? Because I do. And don’t let me catch you back by my shed one more time mister, or I’ll call the cops. You think I won’t? Because I will. I know what you and the rest of the glue-sniffing hooligans around here are [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Hydroquinone

July 10, 2010

Murky Fringe: Aren’t you ashamed of yourself. Hydroquinone: Don’t start. Don’t even start with me. You don’t have the first clue. MF: Michael Jackson, Sammy Sosa, and those are just the most famous examples of… HQ: What do you know about negritude, white girl? MF: …the kind of horrible disfigurement that… HQ: Fanon, Said–what do [...]

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New Product Meeting

July 1, 2010

We’re not calling anything an Ass-blaster. That just isn’t going to happen. I’m just saying, there’s a remarkable uptick in interest in our twelve-to-eighteen-year-old demographic when anything has the word ass in it. Also, Patriotic As Fuck is probably not going to fly. I told him. I also told him that having a shirtless Uncle [...]

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DIY Double Bicyclist’s Internal Monologue

June 22, 2010

But really, what good can the individual do in the current democratic model? Past, of course–what did she want from Trader Joe’s? Some knishes, yes, but what else?–voting, donating time and money to those causes the individual supports, attempting through involvement in groups of like-minded persons to make the single voice a chorus, but–shit, and [...]

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Parents Day Goes Horribly Awry at St. George Day School

June 15, 2010

Mom, look, you guys used to be married. Can’t you do something? What? I think it’s cute that he’s involving himself. It’s more than he did while we were married, I can tell you that. He just used the phrase I fancy myself a bit of a thespian. I mean, getting drunk and hitting on [...]

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Runners-Up in the 2010 Heublein Spirits Worst-Named Drink Contest

June 8, 2010

10. The Subdural Hemotoma 9. The Dirty Windshield 8. Shame and Regret in Liquid Form 7. Gary Coleman, The Later Years* 6. Big Jim’s ____________. 5. The Dangling Participle 4. The Rusted Turnbuckle 3. The Shart 2. The Creepy Uncle 1. Punxsutawney Phil’s Revenge * Too soon?

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Fire and Rain (and Lightning)

May 2, 2010

Whenever my dad sings “Fire and Rain” around the campfire he always adds and lightning to the chorus, winking at either my brother or me. I hate it. My brother loves it and always mouths the words with him. It’s their thing. And lightning. I can’t hear that song without those extra two words, without [...]

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A Man Answers His 12-Year-Old Daughter’s Questions About Lolita

April 6, 2010

Well, there’s a girl on the cover because the main character is in love with her. His name is Humbert Humbert. Yes, it’s the same word. No, he’s not her age, he’s older. Much older. No, more like 37. Well, I’m 41 so it’s a little different. Yes, she’s about your age–in the beginning. Later [...]

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Superhero Penis Envy

April 1, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY DANIEL MCDERMOTT (Boston,MA) “I say Spiderman. It’s gotta be Spiderman.” “Spidy? No way. What makes you say that?” “Are you kidding me? Have you seen the bulge on that nimble little bastard?” “What bulge?” “Whadda you mean, what bulge? His suit is like one millimeter thick; just look at him.” “That’s not a [...]

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My Brief Affair with a Lion Tamer

March 31, 2010

Our spot was the Best Western near the airport. Cliche, I know, but he insisted. Let’s stay out of the way, he said. You don’t really want to hurt your husband. He was right. We met at the Circus. After the show. He let me hold the chair while he whipped the air around the [...]

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Pigs Don’t Fly

March 30, 2010

You didn’t believe me when I told you that bears eat moths, that bears can fatten up on them. You told me that I was thinking of bees, that bears swat at bees as they eat honey. You made some joke likening bears eating moths to whales eating krill. It was the kind of joke [...]

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