From the category archives:

Short-shorts

Rules for Codpiece Tag at the Opera

March 14, 2010

1. Codpiece Tag should only be played during intermission. 2. Athletic cups may not be used in place of codpieces. 3. A player is “tagged” when he or she feels a codpiece touch his or her person. This results in the loss of a point. 4. A player subsequently gains a point when he or [...]

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SUCK: Americans Talk About Vacuuming

March 7, 2010

Paul Rosenthal (Bend, OR) Vacuuming used to relax me after therapy, until my psychiatrist moved to L.A., because he “had an opportunity to be closer to his kids.” Well, you shouldn’t get divorced in the first place, but you can’t give advice to a psychiatrist. No. They don’t make poor decisions. My new doc is [...]

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Water Slide Worker Talking to Joyce Carol Oates at Raging Waters San Dimas

March 5, 2010

Excuse me, Ms. Oates? Me and the rest of the guys here are really big fans. Everyone’s read We Were the– [Okay go.] –We Were the Mulvaneys…no, thank you. That book changed my– [Go.] –changed my life. I’m sure you get that all the time. And let me just say– [Okay go.] I was heartbroken [...]

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Stuck in an Elevator with My Grandpa’s Lover

March 4, 2010

I just want you to know that I’m not trying to replace your grandmother. My grandmother voted for Eisenhower. You’re a dude. I’m not worried. You know what I mean. Were we in algebra together? Papi said you’d have a hard time with this…with us. Were you his caregiver at Shady Pines? He says you [...]

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A Review of Every Pizzeria in New Jersey Actually Worth a Damn

March 4, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY EIRIK GUMENY (New Jersey) At first glance, the pizzeria isn’t anything special. At second glance, it’s still not. It’s a tiny little space in the middle of a strip mall, next to that Korean nail place your sister goes to. The neon in the window advertises PIZ A, HEROS, and CALZONES. The specials [...]

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Road Trip with My Love Child: Pit Stop at a Texas Dairy Queen

March 1, 2010

This morning in the shower I had the thought that if we stop at some Dairy Queen for lunch, and I order the Chicken Strip Basket with fries and Texas toast, that she might make the joke about the redundancy of calling it Texas toast in Abeline. It’s a joke I’ve thought of and dismissed [...]

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Mr. DeWolfe Raises an Issue at the Dress Rehearsal for the Jefferson High School Faculty Performance of The Wizard of Oz

February 25, 2010

And I know that I speak for more than myself when I say that no one from Industrial Arts was ever given a fair shake to play the Lion. You know it, Linda, and I know it– Jerry, when I’m wearing the slippers you have to call me Dorothy. We’ve talked about this, remember? You’re [...]

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Omnivore

February 25, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY YT SUMNER (Melbourne, Australia) The only thing I don’t like about the Aquarium is the smell. It stinks. Not so bad as working in a butchers, which I did once for work experience. I lasted the whole week but I never ate red meat again. People get pissed off when I eat fish [...]

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The Second Time We Made Tahini

February 23, 2010

The second time we made tahini you brought up the affair. Something about the sesame seeds reminded you of Jason. Yes, he worked at Falafel Hut. Yes, he was in grad school. Yes, I initiated it. Yes, he wanted more. Yes, I called it off. No, we never made tahini. You put too many sesame [...]

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About Your Sperm Whale

February 22, 2010

I never minded that you always worried about making sure she had enough giant squid to eat, or that you fought anyone who had a sympathetic reading of Captain Ahab, or that you had a bumper sticker made that read: Save the Humpback, the Sperm Can Handle Themselves. What bothered me was that you never [...]

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Another Brunch with Pablo Neruda

February 21, 2010

The line at Cody’s is out the door. He huffs when he sees, of course. Relax, I say. We’ll get a seat. Not a booth, he says. His double-chin becomes a triple. I talk to the hostess. It’s a 40 minute wait. I politely request a booth, and we get one in half an hour. This [...]

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Right Hook

February 19, 2010

My toddler punched me in the face today outside of Barnes and Noble. She wanted a book and I said no. I was squatting down to explain that since she had just received a book the day before that she couldn’t have another one so soon, until she’d read the first one. In fact, I [...]

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Bag Balm Intervention

February 17, 2010

I caught my son putting Bag Balm on his elbows last night after he thought I’d gone to bed. I heard the sound of a lid being put back on a metal container and barged in. There he was, working the salve into his elbows like I’d seen my mother do a thousand times. “What [...]

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How I Always Remember to Spell “Rendezvous” Correctly

February 12, 2010

First, I think of wren, the passerine bird in the New World family Troglodytidae. My grandmother loved wrens before she fell off that truck. I’ve got to remember to drop the w, which is easy because Aunt Jean, my grandmother’s only daughter, had a Wilma Flintstone t-shirt, and she dropped my brother when he was little when [...]

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Insect Parade

February 11, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY SONA AVAKIAN (San Francisco, CA) Herb barely looked at me when we ran into him today at the grocery store. He’s uncomfortable my wife Marie keeps telling me. Oh, he’s uncomfortable. I was lurching from the celery and carrots to the mixed nuts bin. He’s symmetrical. But he’s uncomfortable. Plus Marie has to [...]

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