From the category archives:

Two Sides

GEODON FOR SALE

August 12, 2012

Written by Chaz Mumphries GEODON FOR SALE, and Rick Turnyard, Visionary of Hamport!

STEP 1:  So You Acquired a Seagoing Vessel

Well, ahoy, Captain.  That’s right.  That’s you. GEODON from canada, You own a ship now and people have to call you that.  If they don’t, you can enact maritime law on them.  Hang them from the mizzenmast.  Make them kiss your cutlass.  Woah, GEODON recreational, Generic GEODON, woah, what’s a mizzenmast, order GEODON from United States pharmacy, Fast shipping GEODON, Chaz. And can I actually wield a cutlass in this modern era, GEODON price. Buy GEODON online no prescription, We’ll get to that I promise.  You’re going to love being a captain.  It gets you tons of ladies.  And mermaids.  Don’t flip ahead, Captain.  We’ll get to the hot fish mamas, online GEODON without a prescription. GEODON photos, Warning in two paragraphs!

But first thing is first.  You have a new seaborn baby.  And you’ve got to name her.  Things need names.  If things aren’t named, they get angry or die.  I had a cactus I forgot to name.  It got real surly, GEODON description. The other thing happened to that nameless orphan I bought, GEODON FOR SALE. Purchase GEODON online, Now let me take you step by step through the complexity of naming your galleon.  Next paragraph is the warning!

Boat-namer. My name is Rick Turnyard, no prescription GEODON online. GEODON pictures,  I am the editor of Hamport’s pamphlets. I have inserted messages into this text to warn you.  A reckoning is coming to Hamport.  You must believe me.  I am constricted by the pamphlet format but know that the sea hides something wicked. 

STEP 2:  What Kind of Ship Did You Buy/Inherit/Repossess

First, GEODON class, GEODON canada, mexico, india, look over your new catamaran.  Strut up and down the deck.  Straddle something boatlooking.  Or put one of your feet up on something elevated.  Like a chair or whatever you nautically call a chair. Admire her curves.  See how her chrome shines in the sun.  Smell the money of her.  Is she a sassy Italian lady with a bounce in her aft?  A thin French woman with a promise in her bilge pump?  The ocean is your enemy! GEODON FOR SALE, Now just shout some words.  See if they feel right.  Does the ship respond?  Does she move back and forth?  Did she creak in her innards like she’s gaining sentience. Arm thyself!  Find lasers!

What words did you say?  I remember my first name-shouting.  I must have yelled for two hours, GEODON pharmacy. Order GEODON from mexican pharmacy, “Marmaduke”, “Ovaryparty”, ordering GEODON online, Purchase GEODON online no prescription, “Emotionbottle”, “Bulletfunbicycletown”, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, Discount GEODON, “Bikinizine”.  It felt like the words were exploding out of me.  Like I’d kept them stored up like a sleepy cancer in my appendix.  What words did you say. Trench, GEODON pics. GEODON blogs, Monsters!

STEP 3: Gathering The Shoutwords Into a Coherent Ship Name

You didn’t know this was going to get so freaking mystical, huh?  You thought you could just name your boat “Vitamin Sea” and get some illegal to hand paint that mammajamma.  Didn’t know you could use the word ‘mammajamma’ either, GEODON price, coupon, Where can i buy cheapest GEODON online, huh?  Well, the sea is a different place.  It will drag you down and impregnate you!

So let’s say you shouted the words “Weekend” and “Geekaway”.  Boom!  There’s your ship name.  It’s clever.  It came from your word bowels and it describes you.  Only your words could have done that.  It made it true, effects of GEODON. Even if you’re a man.  Those monsters will put a womb inside you.  You’ll be a baby trench monster carrier!

Let’s try other word combos.  Let’s say you shouted “Deep Blue” and “C-3PO”.  Well, that sucks.  That’s an inexact pun.  But let’s say you were a popsicle magnate like Chaz and you yelled, “Life” and “Is But a Dreamsicle” then holy snowcones, you’ve got a top notch punny nautical ship name!  The ocean wants to recreate the movie Waterworld!

Why am I not shoving every white space full of info on the sea monsters?  Well, I am an editor first.  I can’t just fill the negative space with my propaganda and upset the visual balance of the pamphlet, can I, GEODON FOR SALE. Cheap GEODON,  We’re not a lawless white space ignoring ocean zone full of raping trench demons.  Not yet.

STEP 4: Cast off, Captain, where can i buy GEODON online. GEODON dangers, I’m real proud of you.  I wish I could hug you.  But I can’t.  I’ll probably be dead by the time you read this pamphlet.  Chaz has some crazy depression issues and he just wants to drive “Life Is But a Dreamsicle” into the deep blue and propose to some mermaid.  Maybe there’s not mermaids out there.  Maybe that’s just Chaz off the lithium seeing fishbabes.  That makes the Chazster even more bummed.   Those mermaids were the trench monsters! 

But you named a ship.  That’s more than most men.  I named three.  And that’s more than you.  Captain Chaz out.  Chaz was never heard from again, GEODON over the counter. Monstered!

Every Thursday at 10, me and three believers drive my boat out into the deep and shoot machine guns into the water.  If you want in, bring your own automatic weapon.  I can’t just be loaning them out all the time.  See you Thursday.  Maybe we can use your boat sometime!.

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CIPRO FOR SALE

July 28, 2012

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“Was she fully undead. Did anyone see?  Because she just looked tired to me.”

 

“I can’t even kill stranger zombies like that.  Mark is stone cold, purchase CIPRO, CIPRO no prescription, guys.  He’s as cold as those corpses.”

 

“I vote we make Mark kiss what’s left of his dead wife’s lips.”

 

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“Shed some tears, you robot!”

 

“The Walking Dead is like a manual for how to deal with zombified relatives.  And I don’t think you’re taking our viewing parties very seriously.”

 

“Too bad it wasn’t reversed.  We liked her better than you.”

 

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February 3, 2012

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October 27, 2011

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September 13, 2011

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June 27, 2011

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