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Terrible Distractions for a Young Patient’s Tetanus Shot

August 15, 2010

Hey Charlie, how’s your father’s cancer? I don’t trust my children, Charlie. Do you know what’s in granola? It’s made from orphans, Charlie. Sorry if I seem a little shaky: it’s the Red Bulls. Margot! Why does it smell like some dog’s been licking his balls in here?! Have I ever told you about the [...]

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My Sister, My Brother

July 27, 2010

So, okay, you want to run this by me again? Not particularly, Jake, no. But. I knew it. I knew it when we were kids. You used to steal my tighty-whites and wear them yourself, didn’t you. I found panties repulsive. And so yeah. Sometimes I did. And now, what? What am I supposed to [...]

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Dustin’s Lack of Topicality Costs Him at Laff Master’s Open-Mic Night

July 24, 2010

So, what about that war in Iraq? I mean, what’s up with that? WMDs? What’s that stand for, We Made Dat… up? [silence] Oh, and hey, what’s up with this social networking? I mean, Friendster, MySpace, you guys heard about this? So, this girl messages me–I mean, she could be a model, very attractive, very-classy [...]

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Passive-Agressive Remarks Towards A Groundhog

July 15, 2010

Umm, soo… do you think you could get any fatter? Have you ever seen a hairy duffel bag falling down a flight of stairs? Well, like, that’s what it looks like when you try and run. I hear people call you a whistle-pig. What’s up with that? Hey, Punxsutawny Phil. Oh yeah? My bad. Really, [...]

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Hey England, Fuck Off

July 4, 2010

· This is right about the time when you might want to say “Bloody hell” or “Those cunts!” or something. Wankers.

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Dear Darryn;

June 26, 2010

I probably could have overlooked your pathetic attempts at artistic expression. I mean, I think I handled it well when I found out you’d taken naked pictures of me with your iPhone while I was sleeping and sent them to your friends. Just so we’re clear, it doesn’t make a difference that the pictures were [...]

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Transcript From “Fringe Friday Potluck Happy Hour”*

June 19, 2010

*Wherein the staff members of The Murky Fringe drink cheap wine and gnosh upon various of the finger foods of their respective youths.** **Identities have been removed from transcript. A: Oh my god. B: What? You bring ham and cream cheese pinwheels, and I’m the freak? A: The Totino’s Pizza rolls, okay. That’s sleepover fare, [...]

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One-Line Conversation Killers, Part II (Apropos of Nothing)

June 12, 2010

Well, my gynocologist isn’t sure what to make of it. Yep, I’m pretty sure that Almighty Yahweh would totally agree with you on that one. My ex-fiancee–not Jake, that human stain, but Lane, who was totally sweet but needy–hated cashews. The world is a good place, I think, filled almost entirely with lie-to-your-face assholes. I [...]

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Open Response to Cease and Desist Letter From Themirkinfringe.com

June 5, 2010

Dear Sirs: We are as of Wednesday the second of June in receipt of your letter, wherein you claim that we knowingly, through the medium of our website (which it’s probably worth mentioning has nothing–nothing–in common with your website), attempted to divert your web traffic for profit, and wherein you further demand that we cease [...]

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You Are The _ To My ___.

June 3, 2010

Michael Bolton Kenny G Tummy Tuck Eyebrow Lift Sonny Bono Chastity Bono Flexion Extension Brittney Cher Forrest Gander Forrest Whittaker Milk Snake Milk Shake Guy Ritchie Sean Penn Mashed Potato Locomotion Cher Madonna Crystal Pepsi McRib Lou Dobbs Helen Reddy Homeless man Parrot Peanut Butter Celery Stalk John The Baptist Apostle Paul Apologist Revisionist Day [...]

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My Version of Maw-Maw’s Potato Salad

May 29, 2010

Maw-Maw didn’t believe in recipes, and I don’t either. This is suggestive only. You’ll just have to experiment. Or you could, like my bitch of a sister-in-law, fuck it up the same way every time. Sorry. I start with red potatoes, quartered. Maw-Maw used russets, and no offense to her, but I find the skins [...]

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I’m the Fela Kuti of Willington Connecticut

May 25, 2010

True, I’ve never been to Lagos. Or even Nigeria. The only time I left New England was to be a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding in Dripping Springs Texas. And that one time my girlfriend-at-the-time and I went to Tallahassee Florida because we didn’t think it existed. And no, I never ran for president of [...]

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Remembering My Childhood Summers At Camp Smiletown

May 24, 2010

It was always so great to get some time to myself in the bunks while everyone else was at swim lesson. Even as a kid, I knew I needed it. ·

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No, Really

May 22, 2010

Wait. Before you hit me again, let me explain myself. I understand that the way that came out was wrong. I know that your mom and dad haven’t been divorced that long, and that you’re probably not ready for her to start seeing–wait, don’t hit me again–start seeing other people, and that I probably wouldn’t [...]

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Some People Worry Too Much About Money

May 20, 2010

I am one of those people. Have fun being poor, hippie.

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