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Being Dumped at the Arcade: April 22, 1991

May 11, 2012

James, I don’t know how to tell you this but we need to break up. I know it’s your birthday but broken is broken, no matter what the day. We’re too young to be this committed. You’re 11 and I’m almost 12. Most relationships our age last a week tops. Ours lasted three. I’m practically [...]

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A Deleted Scene From the 1987 Movie Mannequin

May 4, 2012

INT. PRINCE AND COMPANY MEN’S BATHROOM Johnathan Switcher, the window dresser, and Hollywood, the amusing gay stereotype, are both washing their hands at the marble sink. HOLLYWOOD So let me get this straight. And honey, I don’t mean me. JOHNATHAN Classic. Sure, go on. HOLLYWOOD She got cursed to find true love way back in [...]

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Passed Over State Slogans For Texas

April 27, 2012

Texas: If You’re Not From Here, Get the Hell Out Texas: Free Beer with Your Patriotism Texas: We’re Fatter Than You Texas: Walker, Texas Ranger is Actually About a Real Place Called Texas Texas: We Don’t Know What Jingoism Is and We Don’t Give a Damn Texas: Is It a Mall Or a Church? Come [...]

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The New Guy

February 7, 2012

Editor 2: I don’t like it. It makes us look weak. Like we need backup. Editor 1: We’re expanding. That’s what this is. We’re diversifying our, you know, portfolio of talent. Editor 3: That sounds like something you made up right then. Portfolio of talent? What are we, pimps? E1: We are not pimps. We [...]

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Shit I’ve Had to Set my Aunt Barbara Straight On

January 12, 2012

“Your brother Danny didn’t get paralyzed in Vietnam dragging a wounded soldier to a medevac chopper. He wasn’t in Vietnam. He wasn’t even ever in the Army. He got crippled when his car flipped over from him doing donuts out at the rock quarry.” Aunt Mavis is the one that ran off to St. Louis. [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews The Defecated-Upon Cop Car From the OWS Protest

December 29, 2011

The Murky Fringe: So, is it safe to say… Shat-Upon NYPD Cruiser: Low point of my career? Absolutely. TMF: We’re so sorry for you. SUNYPDC: It wasn’t you who dropped trou and defecated on me. TMF: What’s it like to be used as a toilet? SUNYPDC: That’s not the part that bugs me. Whatever for [...]

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The Other Faces of Meth

December 8, 2011

No. Uh-uh. Absolutely not. No. Meth has not gotten a bad rap. Look, people are not supposed to be able to do anything for eighteen hours straight–drive a truck, frame a house, dance to repetitive music, whatever–so the fact that meth can make you capable of those things, well, that’s not a plus for it. [...]

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Answering the Hecklers at My Uncle Ray’s Park Bench Dedication

October 19, 2011

“Yes, for your information, we could not afford a fountain.” “No, you cannot sit on it. Ever!” “Because I’m gonna wait here and guard it. Forever! That’s how long.” “Where are you gonna get a chainsaw?” “Actually, he’s in Heaven right now. Sitting on a bench.” “No you’re adopted!” “Leave my kids out of this.” [...]

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Ask Exhibition Basketball Great Meadowlark Lemon

October 13, 2011

Dear Meadowlark- My boyfriend and I recently got engaged, and I love him very much. Recently, he brought up the notion of us opening our bedroom to strangers we meet on the internet. He says that as long as we do it now, before we’re married, it isn’t wrong and couldn’t possibly have any [...]

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Runners-Up in the 2011 Heublein Spirits Worst-Named Drink Contest

September 27, 2011

Jagged Little Pill (Teen Angst in Liquid Form) While the judges enjoyed your use of parenthetical subtitle and the liberal use of Chewy Sweet Tarts in the recipe, they didn’t think Clearasil and cut out pictures from back issues of Marie Claire made for good ingredients. Ulcerating Colitis The judges thought that the emotional [...]

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Making a Case for the Ambiguity of Salt ‘N’ Peppa’s Smash Hit “Push It”

September 21, 2011

Sure we’ve always assumed that it referred to the repetitive, in-and-out motion of coitus between a man and a woman, the woman encouraging her man to “push it [his phallus] real good,” which is to say, hard and fast. Some would even say deep. But we must not overlook the possibility that Salt ‘N’ Peppa [...]

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Son, Are You Trying To Be The Len Bias Of This Here Lumber Yard?

September 16, 2011

You might have all the potential in the world, but if you keep up the partying your body’s gonna quit you. That would not only be a shame to me and the boys at the yard, but to the folks who’ve come to depend on your 2″ x 4″s. You’re just too damn good [...]

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Red Dawn and The Outsiders Sit Down to Chat

September 13, 2011

Red Dawn: Man, how long has it been? The Outsiders: Too long. Last I saw you, we were both being put in a cardboard box at that mom and pop video store outside of Ashland Ohio. RD: That’s right. Holy shit. VHS, huh? Who’d have thought? TO: Right? RD: Soo… TO: Uhh… RD: I don’t [...]

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A Drunk And Self-Critical Cormac McCarthy Expresses My Friend Patrick’s Despair About His Wife’s Distaste For Toni Morrison

August 8, 2011

There was thunder in the east with wall clouds swirling counterclockwise to the ground and the man rode straight toward this wall and the mountains beyond it unable to turn back despite what he knew he was certain to find. The bones of his wife in his knapsack rolled and knocked in a sound of [...]

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