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Inhalants Awareness Day at Theodore Dreiser Middle School

May 31, 2011

Who knows what this is? Anyone? Laurie Anne? That’s right, it’s a sock. You put it on your foot to keep your shoes from getting smelly. And to slide around the living room like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. You’re right, Principal Andrews. Absolutely right. None of you kids have probably seen Risky Business. Nor [...]

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Another Instance In Which I Have to Concede That My Mother Was Right

May 12, 2011

She told me. She said that if I kept it up, I wouldn’t be pleased with what came of it. She said all things in moderation. She suggested that I take up some hobbies instead. Find something to fill my waking hours. Something to occupy my hands. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings, she reminded [...]

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Brainstorming Session For Storage Facility Names

May 7, 2011

What about “Store Your Shit Here.” I don’t think we should have “shit” in the name of our storage facility. I think it would make us edgy. We could corner the market on twenty-something storage facility customers. Like, “hey, girlfriend dump you and now you’re couch surfing? Need a place to store your shit? Call [...]

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Help Please!

April 16, 2011

I have lost my pet ocelot, Regina. I like saying it in the Spanish better: He perdido mi ocelote. It’s less blamey: My ocelot is lost to me. So, my ocelot is lost to me, Regina. Well, actually it might be more appropriate to say that she escaped. I don’t think she enjoyed the confinement [...]

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Idi Amin

April 12, 2011

Idi Amin bathing with his cousins in a washtub. Idi Amin licking the soap when no one is looking. Idi Amin looking up at the sky, where vultures circle. Idi Amin finding only a fingernail paring and a cigarette butt in his Valentines Day bag at Ta’anaka Primary School. Idi Amin feeding his lunch to [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews The Ices: Cube And T

March 24, 2011

The Murky Fringe: So, Ices. Is it cool if I refer to you plurally as Ices? Ice Cube: It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Ice-T: Yo, I’m not sure how I feel about that. TMF: Are you doing a bit right now, T? Are you playing your character from that cop show you’re on, [...]

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Tales of Relative Courage #37

March 5, 2011

When at 12:45 on a Sunday afternoon in Austin Texas a very hung over Chris Wentlow’s enchilala plate arrived, he asked his dining companions–friends from college who’d come in for a football game–if they dared him to put his tongue on the edge of the plate. His dining companions–all of whom were now married and [...]

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FAQ For The John Q. Adams Elementary 2011 Spring Daddy-Daughter Dance

March 3, 2011

Q: Is there a dress code? A: While there is not a dress code per se, we do ask/suggest that you take this opportunity to spruce up a bit. Don’t you think your daughter deserves that? You won’t be turned away, for instance, for arriving in your flip-flops, cargo jorts and Creed shirt, but we’d [...]

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Weird Neighbor Situation #447

January 22, 2011

What’s that? You’ll have to speak up. I’m a bit hard of hearing these days. You’re having problems with your what? Your Log? Your Tock? Oh. Dog. I’m sorry to hear that. I guess you wouldn’t be having problems with your tock, at that. Come again? What say? No, no. I’m a retired accountant. I [...]

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Why Matisse and Scissors

January 3, 2011

I cut because I cannot see to paint. I cannot see to paint because it is God’s punishment for stealing from orphans. I stole from orphans because they teased me. They teased me because…this is none of your business. I stab you with scissors. Where is construction paper?

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Pneumonic Device for Blind British Soldiers Fighting the Colonies

January 2, 2011

J ut E very F ist & F oot E mphatically, R edcoat, S pare O nly N obles S ounding H orns A t G allant S oldiers S triking H aphazardly, E arning E ngland’s P ride

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The Afternoon I Spent Bartending A Friend’s Party With My Real Estate Agent’s Shaky-Handed Adult Son

October 25, 2010

Trevor, can you pass me the olives? Which ones? Uh, the green—er, there’s only one kind. I was just kiddin! Oh, ha ha, yeah. So can you pass them. What does martini even mean, anyway? I don’t know. Hey there, welcome, how can we help you? A bourbon? Sure. [Looking back] Trevor, can you get [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Sigmund Freud

September 28, 2010

The Murky Fringe: You had a colon named after you. How does that feel? Sigmund Freud: I’m sorry, but I don’t know that that is the case. TMF: It’s the part nearest the butthole. I mean, that’s either a huge compliment or a total dick move, right? SF: Is there something you wished to ask [...]

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Terrible Distractions for a Young Patient’s Tetanus Shot

August 15, 2010

Hey Charlie, how’s your father’s cancer? I don’t trust my children, Charlie. Do you know what’s in granola? It’s made from orphans, Charlie. Sorry if I seem a little shaky: it’s the Red Bulls. Margot! Why does it smell like some dog’s been licking his balls in here?! Have I ever told you about the [...]

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My Sister, My Brother

July 27, 2010

So, okay, you want to run this by me again? Not particularly, Jake, no. But. I knew it. I knew it when we were kids. You used to steal my tighty-whites and wear them yourself, right? I found panties repulsive. And so yeah. Sometimes I did. And now, what? What am I supposed to call [...]

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