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We don’t know where he might have gotten that. We don’t… This isn’t in keeping, is what my wife is trying to say. This isn’t how we raised him. We try very hard at home to make him aware of… difference? Is that the… We tell him all the time that everyone has, you know, [...]

I’m sick of it, to tell you the truth. I’m not related to that guy, like, at all. And neither of us are bears. Linnaeus, man. What a presumptuous ass.

What’s the sound of one hand clapping? “…” That’s cheating. It’s… “…” It’s a koan. A coe-ann? A cone? It’s… “…” It doesn’t have an answer, is the thing. “…” Okay, fine. How about this: can god create a suitcase so heavy that he/she/it can’t lift it? “…” Again, there isn’t an… “…” Okay, fine. [...]

Montanans hate Ansel Adams. But he captured so perfectly the raw, immense, and untamed beauty of your state, you’re thinking to yourself. That beauty was ours. And he stole it. And pimped it. And now our whole state is a goddamned theme park full of lazy, overweight bears. And euro-tourists. Action sandals and socks are [...]

I mean, now that he’s gone, will they be able to make any more war movies? He’s not dead? Well, still.

It wasn’t the sex. You were great in the sack. Even if it was a little weird—a little grandfatherly, maybe—when you folded your pants before getting into bed. And I didn’t even mind too much when you did that thing where you’d say wait, how old were you when Reagan got shot? although the exaggerated [...]

Things I Know About Peanut Butter, by Rachel Millecker: Peanut butter was discovered by George Washington Carver, an African-American  scientist, but he didn’t get rich from it. Peanut butter does not contain butter, only peanuts. Peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. Peanut butter tastes very good with jelly. Peanut butter does not [...]