From the category archives:

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No, Really

May 22, 2010

Wait. Before you hit me again, let me explain myself. I understand that the way that came out was wrong. I know that your mom and dad haven’t been divorced that long, and that you’re probably not ready for her to start seeing–wait, don’t hit me again–start seeing other people, and that I probably wouldn’t [...]

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Some People Worry Too Much About Money

May 20, 2010

I am one of those people. Have fun being poor, hippie.

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Another Awkward First Date

May 18, 2010

And then after college I spent a couple of years in the Peace Corps, stationed in Honduras, and… So, what’s your impression of Kinsey’s work? I’m sorry, who? Alfred Kinsey? He was a sex researcher, he… I’m sorry, I interrupted. Peace Corps? Honduras? Yes, and then afterwards I came back and worked with Habitat for [...]

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Why I Didn’t Watch Yesterday’s NASCAR Sprint Cup Series ‘Autism Speaks 400’

May 17, 2010

· · I’ll tell you why. Because autism doesn’t speak; autistic people do. Also, Jimmie Johnson didn’t get the pole. And I’d rather drink highway tar out of a garbage truck than watch Kyle Busch pull lead.

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Dana Winslow Edits the Waffle-Skeet Society’s Mission Statement on Her Last Day as Secretary

May 14, 2010

The Waffle-Skeet Society, a broad-based collaborative community program in and around Bowling Green, OH, assists low-income families to help them practice marksmanship  and rifle responsibility through weapons instruction, through access to rifle ranges, and through instruction on the preparation and catapultization of waffles. Some WSS members develop positive self-esteem and clarify their values, while others [...]

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Parent-Teacher Conference

May 13, 2010

We don’t know where he might have gotten that. We don’t… This isn’t in keeping, is what my wife is trying to say. This isn’t how we raised him. We try very hard at home to make him aware of… difference? Is that the… We tell him all the time that everyone has, you know, [...]

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Saying Goodbye: A Narrative Guide to Disposing of Your Goldfish

May 11, 2010

The way you choose to send your goldfish into its final rest doesn’t have to be expensive or permanent (although encasing your dearly deceased in Lucite does make for a novel conversation piece). The important thing is that the way in which you choose to dispose of your now-dead friend pays homage to his or [...]

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Red Panda: The Other Panda

May 8, 2010

I’m sick of it, to tell you the truth. I’m not related to that guy, like, at all. And neither of us are bears. Linnaeus, man. What a presumptuous ass.

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Guidelines For the Novice Adult WoW Gamer

May 6, 2010

We’d like to begin by welcoming you to the community, and by extending our heartiest wishes for years of enjoyment in your World of Warcraft gaming experience. We especially appreciate your being here as a mature gamer, someone who is coming to what is often considered “a game for children, young adults, and the socially [...]

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My Five-Year-Old Half-Brother, The Zen Master

May 4, 2010

What’s the sound of one hand clapping? “…” That’s cheating. It’s… “…” It’s a koan. A coe-ann? A cone? It’s… “…” It doesn’t have an answer, is the thing. “…” Okay, fine. How about this: can god create a suitcase so heavy that he/she/it can’t lift it? “…” Again, there isn’t an… “…” Okay, fine. [...]

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Shannon Sharpe’s Volunteer Crossing Guard Partner Finally Speaks Up

May 3, 2010

It just seems like he takes some crossings off, you know? And I’m not the only one who has noticed it, either. Penny Fitzmueller subbed for me one day in February and said she counted twelve times Shannon didn’t even make it to the opposite curb with the kids. Twelve. That’s just dangerous. I’ve heard [...]

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Little Known Fact About Montana #732

May 1, 2010

Montanans hate Ansel Adams. But he captured so perfectly the raw, immense, and untamed beauty of your state, you’re thinking to yourself. That beauty was ours. And he stole it. And pimped it. And now our whole state is a goddamned theme park full of lazy, overweight bears. And euro-tourists. Action sandals and socks are [...]

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Art School Hazing

April 28, 2010

Nice brushes. I used to use those. In fifth grade. Oh, you want your palette back? Are you gonna cry? Right, yeah. Still lifes are the best. If that sculpture is supposed to be roadkill that somebody took a dump on, I’d say you nailed it. If you keep working hard, maybe you can be [...]

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Presumptions of Tom Sizemore’s Demise

April 26, 2010

I mean, now that he’s gone, will they be able to make any more war movies? He’s not dead? Well, still.

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Sports-Related Anecdotes Are No Substitute For a Mother’s Love and Support

April 25, 2010

When I told my mother I wanted to quit the spelling team—I was ten at the time—she related to me how Mike Tyson never really recovered from getting KO’ed by Buster Douglas. The point, she said, was never to stay down. Spell “indomitable” she said. I did. She nodded like it meant something. I won’t [...]

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