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Contributed

A Generic Letter of Recommendation For Anyone

June 22, 2011

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMES BEST (Brooklyn, NY) Dear (Company, Important Person, Manhunter), You are going to love (your name here). Like love love. When I hired/found/cohabitated with the person I named, I asked him/her straight up, “Are you Adonis/Female Adonis?” And (name) smiled that bewitching/blast furnace smile and I almost died/explodified. If there was a [...]

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An Early Draft of Genesis

October 27, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY RYAN FORSYTHE (San Diego, CA) On the first day, God said, “Let there be light.” And there was light. And when God saw what he had done, he said it was good. It really brightened up the place. Next, God created the heavens, but he’s not clear on whether this was late on [...]

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Tips for Scalpers

March 18, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY MICHAEL ZUNENSHINE (Montreal, Canada) Rechargeable electric knives (save money on batteries). Carry crazy glue and wigs to scalp bald guys. Wear fur coats to easily conceal your spoils when riding home on the subway. Learn various Mexican and Native American dialects to haggle for the best freelance price per scalp (never go under [...]

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Omnivore

February 25, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY YT SUMNER (Melbourne, Australia) The only thing I don’t like about the Aquarium is the smell. It stinks. Not so bad as working in a butchers, which I did once for work experience. I lasted the whole week but I never ate red meat again. People get pissed off when I eat fish [...]

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An Open Letter from the Family Dog Upon the Occasion of the Birth of Our Daughters

February 4, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (Cleveland, OH) People— Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Scooter, and I used to matter. In fact, I used to be kind of a big thing around here. Nights, I’d curl up in Mother’s lap, maybe get a scratch behind the ears. When I was a good boy, I [...]

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Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… Breathing Stopped Being Involuntary

January 21, 2010

This is our first in a series of “Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… ” CONTRIBUTED BY JUSTIN McBRIDE (San Francisco, CA) Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… Breathing Stopped Being Involuntary Signing up for online payments Dealing with these kidney stones Donating money to the worldwide family of Jesus, my [...]

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Teenage Mexican Girl With Nail Gun

January 7, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY MATT RIORDAN (New York) Jack was in the middle of what would later become known as his Mexico period. He was smoking bales of the local skunk and reading all this crap about land reform and native spiritualism and lots of Chomsky. Grocery lists by Chomsky. He went down there after he got [...]

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Pat on the Butt

December 10, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY DAVID DRISCOLL (Chicago, IL) Hector Burrito lost his temper and had an embolism so severe it busted through the doughy flesh of his La Preferida epidermis, spilling the beans. Everybody knew he was populated with microbials—La Enchilada Loco was always getting shut down for health code violations—but no one could have predicted that [...]

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